Dear Vicki: I’m writing about my older sister. Based on what I’ve read, I think she’s a Fire. Jenna’s funny, outgoing, and the life of every party. There’s only three years between us and we used to be really close. We always did things together. But ever since she married Frank earlier this year, she doesn’t seem to have time for me. We still live in the same town, but now she’s “too busy” to go shopping or even meet for coffee. If it helps, she’s 26 and a popular lecturer at a nearby university. I’m 23 and an elementary teacher. What can I do to get her back? I feel like I’ve lost her. Signed: Missing My Sister
Dear Missing: This is a difficult issue. For siblings, growing up often brings a degree of growing apart. As we mature, our worlds expand and there are suddenly more people, places, and events demanding time and attention. But no matter how old we become, there are still only 24 hours in a day. As we fill our adult lives with new people and opportunities, something has to give, and that “something” is often time with parents and siblings.
You don’t mention what element you think you are, but the fact that you’re an elementary teacher and the one missing the sisterly connection suggests that you’re an Earth. They are wonderful with young children and take seriously the deep and lasting bonds of family. As an Earth, you and Jenna relate on the Nurturing Cycle, with Jenna’s Fire feeding your Earth. This means that attention from Jenna feeds you beyond your sibling relationship and makes it doubly hard on you when she isn’t around.
As a Fire, increased “busy-ness” in life energizes Jenna, so she is probably very happy these days. In addition, the understandable desire to spend time with her new husband likely does draw her away from older social patterns, including shopping with you or meeting for coffee. And because deep and lasting connections are so important to Earths, the absence of these old patterns with your sister is bound to upset you.
So what can you do? A lot!
There are multiple ways to address the issue of missing Jenna. Some include finding ways for you and Jenna to be together that work for who she is now. Others include finding ways for you to fill the time you used to spend with Jenna. We’ll start with possible ways for you and Jenna to reconnect.
The Fire in Jenna will naturally gravitate toward exciting events that offer opportunities to connect with people. These will also likely include Frank, especially this early in their marriage. If you can accept that time with Jenna and Frank is better than no time with Jenna at all, consider planning a few fun events with the two of them. You might want to bring a close friend with you – that will balance the dynamic so that you and Frank aren’t both vying for Jenna’s attention. You don’t mention if you like Frank, but Earths are usually capable of developing deep connections with almost anyone. He is a permanent part of Jenna’s world now (at least as permanent as any marriage), so this might be a good time to start getting to know him. And if he makes Jenna happy, that’s your first reason to like him.
Another option to create time with Jenna is to gift her a “girls only” event for the holidays. A spa day might suffice, but many Fires find a full day of “doing nothing” too slow for them. You might consider dance lesson, or even skydiving. Remember, she’s a Fire! She needs excitement and movement! And while an Earth normally wouldn’t pursue these types of adventures, you are looking for something that will entice Jenna to fit it into her already crowded life.
And therein lies a big part of the problem: Your life is feeling empty without her right now. It will be important for you to find other people who want to shop and share coffee. Nothing will change the special relationship you have with Jenna, but if you let it, your Earth will easily find other people with whom you can have close relationships. And if shopping and sharing coffee are especially important to you, look for other Earths. They excel at both!
Finally, if you find that it’s difficult to let go of the times you and Jenna had in the past and move forward to create a new relationship with her (and her husband), you might need to work with your Metal element. Letting go of someone or something sits in Metal, and if that element is out of balance, it becomes harder to accept change. To balance your Metal, you can wear a hematite or snowflake obsidian crystal (make sure the stone touches your skin), use eucalyptus or lemon essential oils, or drink red clover tea several times a day. These all keep Metal pliant and able to let go when necessary.
Once the “newness” of Jenna’s marriage wears off, she might be more available for coffee and shopping. But until then, I encourage you to pursue both alternative ways to spend time with her and options for your time without her. And remember the wisdom that you know deep in your Earth soul: families are forever. Jenna and her Fire are always in your heart. Blessings to you!