Dear Vicki: I’m a Water (with a secondary Earth) and for the first time in my life I’m in a relationship with a Water man (I’m pretty sure he’s a secondary Wood). It’s amusing, but also pretty disconcerting to see one’s own traits – particularly the annoying ones – in your partner. We started out great together, but lately we seem less connected and could be on our way to “It’s over.” Is that surprising? Is this relationship doomed? Signed, Watery in Westport
Dear Watery: As I’ve mentioned in other posts, same element relationships have strengths and weaknesses. No one will know or understand you better when you’re relating to someone from your same elemental “clubhouse.” But there’s none of the energy movement that comes from relating via either the Nurturing or Controlling Cycle. That means a same element relationship can sometimes feel stuck, dull, or lacking in excitement.
The good news for you is that the element least likely to mind this lack of action or excitement is Water. As you have probably already discovered, two Waters together will be happy at home reading, discussing almost anything under the sun, or maybe even watching a long movie. They will understand when the other doesn’t want to go to a party because they won’t want to party in a crowd, either. They will be fine just going with the flow as things unfold in life and will have no shortage of ideas to discuss. There will be playfulness between them, too (the baby part of Water), and quietly fun times. They will inspire and be inspired by each other. In the beginning, it can be a Water’s idea of bliss.
The downside of two Waters together is that it can be hard to get things done. Waters tend to be thinkers, not doers. They love to take discussions to the farthest reach of reality, then keep on talking. People discussing how many angels can dance on the head of a pin are probably Waters. But if you ask a Water to pay the bills on time, buy everything on a grocery list, or get a project started, that might not go so well. And because Waters can stay very philosophic or abstract, and appreciate time alone, you might find the relationship lacks intimacy and deep connection.
The good news is that you both have fantastic secondary elements for a relationship between two Waters. His Wood will excel at getting things done and staying on task, so he can help with that. Your Earth will be wonderful at valuing deep connections and creating nurturing times together. But how this plays out in your relationship will depend on whether you are relating to each other from these secondary elements or your primary Waters. Let’s take a look.
When you are in a Water place, that Water will support his Wood (Water feeds Wood), so should help him stay task-centered when necessary, as long as you don’t get too Watery. Too much Water rots Wood. When he is in a Water place, your Earth can help him not go too deep because Earth controls Water. You will just need to be sure you don’t get too Earthy when he’s being Watery because, as you well know, too much structure or control can make a Water want to flow off on it’s own. If you both can stay mindful of the affect your secondary elements have on each other’s Water, stepping into them can really help provide some movement in your relationship.
The other positive aspect of the secondary elements you each bring to your Water/Water relationship is the fact that they relate on the Controlling Cycle (Wood controls Earth). This will help insure that your Earth doesn’t over-control his Water, which won’t feel good to him. But again, there is good news here. If that happens, you both just need to step back into your Watery primary elements and you should be able to get back into the flow of being together pretty easily.
The bottom line is that if you are willing to pay attention to the elemental dynamics between the two of you (or lack thereof if you are both in very Watery places), you should be able to have a happy, compatible, balanced relationship. Good luck!