Jealousy: Can the Five Elements Help?

Dear Vicki: My high school daughter Sammie, who I think is an Earth, has a close friend who’s started comparing herself to several of their classmates. Sammie says Tracy is jealous of their friends who have better grades, cuter boyfriends, nicer cars, etc. She even told Sammie that she wished her mother was as nice as I am. Tracy has become more and more angry about the perceived inequities in her life and it’s threatening their friendship. Sammie feels like there’s a “boogeyman” affecting her previously nice friend. I’d like to offer Sammie suggestions on how to handle Tracy and wonder if the Five Elements might help. I’m assuming jealousy is a Wood thing, right? What can Sammie do to help Tracy out of this Wood place? Thank you. Signed, Wants to Help

Dear Wants to Help: It’s easy to assume that jealousy sits in Wood because success matters to Woods. However, cute boyfriends and nice cars can be a status thing, and status matters to Metals. And nicer parents would matter to an Earth because family connections sit in Earth. So, no, jealousy isn’t automatically a Wood thing. Jealousy can visits any element, but what creates jealousy will differ by element. We can all appreciate what someone else possesses, has accomplished, or the lifestyle they have created, but the strong emotion that’s behind jealousy is usually fueled by the priorities of our main element. For example:

Waters value time for study and discussion and the freedom to go with the flow. A Water who is over-committed or too busy might be jealous of someone who has more free time and less structure than they have.

Woods do value success and personal accomplishment. A Wood who finds themself unable to make things happen no matter how hard they try might be jealous of someone else’s phenomenal success or good luck.

Fires value attention and excitement in their lives. A Fire who is unable to maintain an active social schedule due to work commitments might be jealous of someone who does have the time to mix and mingle.

Earths value deep and lasting connections with people and the ability to spend time with them. An Earth who lives far away from close family and friends might be jealous of someone who lives near their loved ones.

Metals value being right and acknowledged for their wisdom. A Metal who did not win an appointment to a prestigious committee or council might be jealous of the colleague who was appointed.

Because Tracy is predominantly coveting externalized accomplishments (good grades, cute boyfriends, nice cars), it seems likely that your original assessment is correct: She is probably an out of balance Wood. And if she is expressing her jealousy in an angry fashion, you can assume she probably has too much Wood. Sammie can help by building Metal energy around Tracy because it’s Metal that helps prune back Wood. As her best friend, Sammie can encourage Tracy to wear white or give her a hematite crystal to wear, all of which will build her own Metal to address her abundance of Wood.

Sammie can also bring her own Metal by being logical in the face of Tracy’s complaints. Logic really is a good counter to out of balance Wood as long as it offers suggestions and counterpoints, not flat denials of whatever is bothering the Wood.

If Sammie and Tracy are able to balance Tracy’s Wood, she might well be able to take the necessary steps to help herself obtain better grades and cuter boyfriends; that level of accomplishment is not impossible for motivated and balanced Woods. Obviously, Tracy won’t be able to change her parents, but if she is more pleasant to be around, she might find that her family will be nicer toward her. She will certainly be back to being someone that Sammie enjoys again.

One last point: I’m sure you will monitor how all of this affects your daughter. There could be more contributing to Tracy’s problems than Sammie knows, so professional help might be needed for Tracy. Also, Tracy and Sammie relate on the Controlling Cycle, and it is Tracy’s Wood that controls Sammie’s Earth. If Sammie becomes less of her sweet Earth self, an indication that she is becoming deficient in Earth, she may need to step away from Tracy until things are better. This is a complicated issue, bit one thing is for sure: Sammie is lucky to have a wise mother who can help her dispel the “boogeyman.” Blessings to you!


Wood Friend Green with Envy

Dear Vicki: I’m writing because my good friend Jessie has recently started complaining a lot about her sister. The sister has a new job and according to Jessie, she never calls her anymore, won’t do her share at family gatherings, seems snobby, etc. I know her sister and she’s a kind and very logical person, so suspect this isn’t true. I also know that Jessie lost her job a few years ago and while she’s told me she loves the free time, I’m wondering if Jessie is jealous of her sister’s new job. I’m pretty sure Jessie is a Wood (she managed a big box store), and I have no idea what her sister is. Maybe a Metal? Her new job is with a financial firm. Is there a specific element that gets jealous? And how can I help Jessie? Signed, The Sounding Board

Dear Sounding Board: First, Jessie is very lucky to have you in her life. We all need people to listen to us and I think what’s happening for Jessie is that she’s processing how she feels about the fact that she doesn’t have a job anymore and now her sister does. This is sure to cause Jessie to re-live the loss of her own job and probably re-evaluate whether the free time has been the great opportunity she thinks it is. And if Jessie is a Wood, this won’t be a pleasant experience for her because Woods don’t like looking back; life is all about the future and moving forward for them. As Jessie ponders her sister’s new job, she is likely to see it as an indication that her sister is successfully moving forward while she is not. Personal accomplishment matters a great deal to Woods and in our culture accomplishment is usually tied to our occupation. This is especially true for Woods.

Further, if Jessie’s sister is a Metal, it will make the whole dynamic even more unpleasant for Jessie because Metal relates to Wood on the Controlling Cycle. Even without words, Jessie will feel a subtle sense of being controlled by her sister because that’s what Metal does to Wood. Because anything that causes a Wood to feel held back or stuck is viewed as a problem, this could be the dynamic prompting Jessie’s inaccurate criticism of her sister. We’ve all had times when we feel unhappy and projecting the blame onto something other than ourselves, be that another person, a situation, a lost opportunity, etc.

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